I Want You: To join me in poorly educating my civilians
It’s tough sometimes, being an American. Sure, we have a bit more money and a couple more bombs than anyone else in the world, but on some issues, I feel like we’re just that little bit inadequate. Like… evolution. It seems that our little secret has gotten out. Little Johnny America doesn’t understand evolution, and his dad, Big Johnny America, believes that if it’s going to be taught in schools, creationism should be taught too! Which is sort of like believing that if gravity is going to be taught in schools, the hypothesis that the earth is a big flat disc constantly accelerating upwards at 9.8 m/s2 also deserves it’s rightful place in the physics textbooks. So forgive me, my friends across the pond, if I take a little bit of happiness from the fact that it seems that 60% of you are idiots, just like us.
That’s right, Britain. A recent survey, conducted by Ipsos MORI for the British Council, asked adults in 10 countries around the planet were askeda bout their opinions on evolutionary theory. The country with the highest percentage of people who believed that only evolution should be taught in science classes was India, with 49%. So if it’s just you and a hardcore creationist in the room, the most in favor of evolution you can be, to keep the two of you at 49%, is 98% in favor of evolution. You 2% creation supporting bastard! Don’t argue with me, argue with the math. There’s a part of your body that believes the earth is less than 10,000 years old.
And I’m glad about it. We Americans have suffered the slings and arrows of having a retarded public education system for too long. We’ve felt the pain of knowing that the game shows aired in other countries were far more challenging than the game shows played in our country. We’ve known for a long time that our collective brains were scientifically more illiterate than those of everyone else, and we have not liked being alone.
Welcome, England. Or as I call you “Sweet 60.” Welcome to the world of mediocrity. Welcome to the slope. Because if I can’t pull my country up than I swear we will drag yours down with us! We will not be the only idiots in the world! We refuse to be stupid quietly! We’ll send you Kirk Cameron just like Australia sent us Ken Ham! We’ll break Kent Hovind out of prison just so he can teach you the gospel according to St. Stupid! So what if we’ve still got the greatest percentage of people without a grasp of the most fundamental theory of all biology? You’re gaining on us!!
Huff… huff… huff… Sorry. Got a bit… carried away there. Sorry.
We’re still kicking your ass in The World Series. When’s the last time England won that? Just saying.
